Zoki Humor

  You know, I was thinking the other day about how much our lives have changed. We've got all this technology, right? Smart phones, smart homes, smart toasters that probably judge our carb intake. But sometimes, I think we've forgotten the smartest thing of all: how to just be. Look at this picture here. We've got a couple in bed, probably trying to get some sleep, and then we have this guy. He's outside, looking like he just wrestled a badger and lost, and he's got a TV. A portable TV, I might add. And what's he doing? He's got it plugged into... well, it looks like the house itself. Like he's siphoning off the Wi-Fi, or maybe the dreams of the people inside. This is the kind of dedication I respect! This guy is committed to his entertainment, even if it means risking electrocution and a restraining order. I can relate. I once spent three hours trying to get the Wi-Fi to reach my car in the driveway so I could finish a Netflix episode. My wife came out ...

  You know, I was at my niece's birthday party the other day, and it got me thinking about the toys of our youth. Remember Barbie? And G.I. Joe? Two titans of the toy industry, right? So, my niece, she's got this list for Santa, and it's a doozy. She wants a Barbie AND a G.I. Joe for her birthday. Now, I'm standing there, looking at this list, and I'm thinking, "Okay, a Barbie, sure. G.I. Joe, a classic. But together?" And then her mom, bless her heart, she pipes up, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?" Now, this is where it gets good, people. My niece, she's like, five years old, but she's already got the wisdom of a seasoned divorce attorney. She looks at her mom, dead serious, and says, "No, she comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken." I swear, I almost choked on my mini-quiche. Fakes it with Ken! You hear that? This kid's already figured out the patriarchy, and she's still learning to tie her shoes! And you know w...

Alright, alright, settle down folks! So, I saw this image the other day, and it really got me thinking. It's a cartoon, right? And it's got this title: "The girl who was afraid of her own shadow." Now, I'm not gonna lie, when I first saw it, I thought, "Okay, that's a little on the nose, isn't it?" I mean, who *isn't* afraid of their own shadow? It's like, the ultimate commitment-phobe. It follows you everywhere, but the second you try to grab it, *poof*! Gone. It's the most unreliable friend you could ever have. I've tried to make plans with my shadow before, you know, "Hey shadow, want to go for a walk?" and it's always like, "Nah, man, I'm just gonna chill here. You go ahead." So rude! And then you look at the picture. We've got this woman, looking all flustered, and next to her, this guy who looks like he's had a few too many. And then there's the shadow. It's this dark, ominous silh...

  Alright, alright, so I'm at this fancy restaurant, right? Trying to impress this date. You know, the kind of place where the waiter whispers the specials and the bread basket comes with three kinds of artisanal butter. I'm trying to be on my best behavior, channeling my inner Pope. My date, she's looking fantastic, and I'm trying to keep my eyes on her, not on the… well, you see the lady in the picture. Let's just say she's got some… *prominent* features. So, the waiter comes over, and he's like, "And for you, sir?" And I, trying to be polite, trying to keep my composure, I look at my date, then I look at the woman in the picture, and I say, "Where are your manners, Freddie – take your elbows off the table!" My date looks at me like I've just grown a second head. The waiter just freezes. And then I realize, I think I might have just… *borrowed* some dialogue from a very memorable cartoon. I stammered, "Uh, I mean... where are *...

 So, I've been trying to get into shape lately. You know, the whole "New Year, New Me" thing that usually lasts until about February 5th. But this time, I'm committed! I've joined a yoga class. And let me tell you, it's... an experience. The instructor, a woman named Brenda who probably meditates in her sleep, is all about "finding your inner peace" and "flowing like a gentle river." Meanwhile, I'm in the back, sweating like I'm in a sauna wearing a wool sweater, and my inner peace is currently screaming for a pizza and a nap. The other day, we were doing this pose. I don't even know what it was called, but it involved contorting yourself into a position that would make a pretzel jealous. Brenda, of course, was effortlessly holding it, looking like a graceful swan. And then there's me. I'm in this pose, and my leg is sticking up in the air, and my entire lower body is basically a… well, let’s just say it resembles a pair...

 Alright, alright, settle down folks!  You know, the usual stress – the long lines, the confus So, I was at the train station the other day, minding my own business, trying to buy a ticket. ing schedules, the existential dread of public transportation. And then I see this guy, right? He's got this look on his face like he's just won the lottery, and he's leaning into the ticket booth. Now, I can't quite make out what he's saying, but the speech bubble clearly says, "...er one PICKET to PITTSBURG please, miss!" PICKET? I'm thinking, is this guy trying to buy a ticket to a protest? Did he get his wires crossed and think he was at a rally for union workers? Maybe he wants to picket the train for being late. I've certainly felt like picketing some trains in my day. And then I look at the ticket agent. Oh boy. She's got eyes like saucers, like she's just seen a ghost, or maybe she's just seen this guy's bank account. And the way he's...