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See this guy here? He's got that look. The "I'm trying my best, but I have no idea what I'm doing" look. I know that look. That's my "trying to...

So, I was looking at this picture, right? And it got me thinking about… well, about baking. And about my own personal experiences with baking. Which, let me tell you, usually end with me ordering pizza.

See this guy here? He's got that look. The "I'm trying my best, but I have no idea what I'm doing" look. I know that look. That's my "trying to assemble IKEA furniture" look. Except he's got flour on his hands, and I've usually got a misplaced Allen wrench and a growing sense of existential dread.

And then there's the ladies. The one on the left, she's got this… thing… coming out of her. It looks like a very long, very white noodle. I'm not sure what she's doing, but it reminds me of my cat trying to play with a ball of yarn. Except, you know, less cute and more… sticky. And the fact that it's coming out of her backside is just… a choice. A bold choice.

The lady in the middle, she's just staring. Like she's seen this before. She's seen the noodle incident, she's seen the confused baker, and she's just thinking, "You know what? I'm going to just stand here and judge. Silently." That's my mom when I try to cook Thanksgiving dinner. She just stands in the doorway, arms crossed, with that same look. I swear, sometimes I think she's just there to make sure I don't burn the house down. And the dog. She's more worried about the dog.

And the bread! They've got all these baguettes laid out, looking all professional. Meanwhile, my attempts at bread usually resemble a very dense, very sad brick. I tried making sourdough once. It was less "artisanal" and more "petrified fossil." I think I could have used it as a weapon. Or, you know, a doorstop.

This picture, it’s a whole story, isn’t it? It’s the story of a kitchen, a baking attempt, and a whole lot of unspoken judgment. It's basically my life, if my life involved more questionable noodle-like substances and fewer existential crises. Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience! Now, who wants to go get some pizza with me?

 

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